Small Blessing

Yesterday a small prayer was answered, a small blessing. Right now I do not have insurance on me or the girls. A mixture of me wasting money, and an ex that has been sick, unable to work, thus unable to provide insurance on them. Yesterday I took my daughter in for her check-up to see the neurologist at Children's Hospital. On the way we talked about what kind of doctor she wanted (either young or older). The last one, since gone, was young, really smart, but a bit awkward and didn't seem to have a bedside manner. Her new neurologist was just what she wanted, an older doctor with a really great bedside manner. Since the first time she was diagnosed with Partial Complex Seizures, she felt comfortable seeing and talking to the doctor. We didn't even pray for this, yet we asked and we received!

Those who follow my blog, know we are struggling with money. So a doctor visit and a prescription with a nice price was something I thought about. So each time I would begin praying the "Lord I Need…" prayer, I stopped myself and totally rephrased my prayer "Lord you know our needs, doctor visit, medicine, house payment, and I trust in you knowing you will provide." Each time fears, doubts or worries roll in, I simply pray "Lord you know our needs, doctor visit, medicine, house payment, and I trust in you knowing you will provide."


So after the visit with the doctor, I waited for our date for a follow up visit as well as the cost for the visit. This is a Neurologist who works for Children's Hospital. Honestly I am expecting the visit to be a bit costly, so I paid $40 and waited for the final cost…$111. What? That has to be after me paying $40… Nope that was the total price for today's visit...WOW! Next we moved on to get her prescription. Her generic medication is still hefty, about $2 per pill, which can be a lot of money. The pharmacy had a discount card, so after it was said and done, her pills ended up being $1.15 per pill. Initially her 15 day supply was $149 and I ended up paying $69. Still a chunk of change, but $80 less!!! Yup I was the one walking up the isle looking up silently saying "Thank you God!"

There is always 2 ways to look at things. Yesterday I choose to see what God has provided.

 
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Slow and Steady

In the past year of running a business, or rather doing freelance bookkeeping/accounting, I have learned some important things…foremost, God is the driver here! I have also learned patience, which at times my patience is quite low…Honestly at times is seems as if my business isn't growing at the rate I want it to. I was hoping to have a few more clients, and have 1 person helping out. This time last year I had 4 clients and was working with a CPA. This year, I am up to 8 clients…

Yes I have gotten to that point, over a month ago, wondering if I was really on the right path. I need an office…I need an assistant…I need a new laptop and a desktop computer…I need a network for my computers…I need more clients…I need, I need, I need…What I need is to be thankful that I have a work area, that I have clients, and that my laptop works. (Though there are times it can be special)

I know, with the classes that I have taken, it takes longer than a year to begin to be able to accurately evaluate your business. I also know with God, it takes time, patience, and trust. As I grumble and try to take that woe is me, woe is my business, I can't do this, or it just isn't working…I remember that I put God in the driver seat. Though my patience at times is thin, I know God's got this! God also knows be much better than myself, and I have to remember that He is doing things for my good…I also need to remember that He is teaching me, molding me, and creating the person I need to be for Him…

 
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Refreshed

Last week we took daughter #2 down to college and stayed 2 nights in a hotel. I was so lucky to find a hotel for 2 nights that cost less than $150(for both nights) AND it was about 20 minutes from the beach. This time last week we enjoyed sitting on the beach for a few hours, gorging ourselves at an all you can eat seafood and a little quiet time for just us (me and the man). Our financial problems still loom, but the little break was a nice breather. Nice to just reconnect. Weird how you don't know you need something until it happens.

Well child #2 is off to college and I am left with 2 kids at home. To say it is odd, weird and different is an understatement. The last time I had only 2 kids, was about 17 years ago. Plus instead of girls now, we have a girl and a boy at home, so that dynamic has changed as well. I know for some they are empty nesters and I have no doubt that adjustment is just a bit harder!!

I have found that I am moving closer to God. Through the storm, the doubting my faith and belief, I Have been drawn closer to God. I didn't expect it, and honestly didn't realize it until I actually stopped, took a breather and looked back! So I am refreshed, and preparing for the next battle. It seems each step closer I take to God, satan has something new in his playbook, making the battle a bit harder. But with God, I am making it through, battle by battle…

Since it seems the book of Revelations only added to my battle, I have decided to re-read Revelations and dig a little bit deeper. This time I will remove the sci-fi images that I had the first go around. I will admit my biggest issue with Revelations itself, it talks about the end. For a person with a genuine fear of death, talking about the end is not an area in which I want to go "exploring"! Yet there is a tugging, telling me to read again through with different eyes, and a different mindset.

I am not sure what I expect to see differently. Yet Revelation 1:3 says "Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear, and who keep what is written in it, for the time is near." – God is leading, and I will follow…

 
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Help me find it

Well the last week I have just let go, given most to God. Yeah there is still a part of me that is hesitant, and I know God wants all of us, but will take each part we give. Money lately has been the issue (like always), but I am working on that…

Last night I realized that my 1^st day of classes for a master's degree, would not be my first day. I had been dropped from the class…owing money, not completing the financial check in… a few things I did on my own lead me right down this path. So right now, unless $4,000 magically appears, my education will be put on hold. I am 4 classes away, but its OK. Last night I just said "OK God, I will trust in you." My initial thought would have been I could figure something out…of course try to find more loans, and go further into debt…Yet surprisingly I didn't and I wasn't even upset… I knew this was coming so my education path is in God's hands and I will sit in the passenger seat. There is a small part that is like really…can't I just finish this? With my masters I could do….Yet a larger part that is like OK God, what's the plan?

"I don't know where to go from here It all used to seem so clear I'm finding I can't do this on my own…..I'm done fighting, I'm finally letting go." – I have so many paths I am trying to go, its rather ridiculous…Master's in Accounting, Possible CPA, Possible EA, running a business, clients. I believe this has just lead to me constantly being unfocused, feeling overwhelmed. So many paths…All I can think of "Jack of all trades, master of none" – that will be me if I don't just stop, quit the fighting, letting go and Let God!

So the past few days this has been playing over and over "If there's a road I should walk, Help me find it, If I need to be still, Give me peace for the moment, Whatever Your will, Whatever Your will, Can you help me find it, Can you help me find It, I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again), Have Your way my King (I give my all to You), I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see), 'Cause You are all I need"

We believe we know our path, we know "for sure" the direction we are to go and take, the road we are totally supposed to go down. Sometimes we have to simply let go of our expectations, our goals, and our desires and simply sit patiently in the passenger seat.

Take a moment or two and simply listen. Listen for the quiet still voice of God and realize it will more than likely not be your way…

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I ain’t no angel

Have you ever heard a song that made you think of someone else? Or perhaps a part of your past? Sometimes you hear a song, listen to the lyrics and wonder…and why did I like this song??! There are some 80's music that I often wonder….

The other day "Better than I use to be" by Tim McGraw came on the radio. I'd hear the song and it would make me think of my significant other. This day particular day I heard this song, all I could think of was myself. Let me tell you, God and I have had some talks lately, some rounds, some doubts, some questions, some eye opening, some discipline, some fear and despite my doubts some strong faith…

"I aint no angel, I still got a few more dances with the devil I'm cleaning up my act little by little, I'm getting there….I aint as good as I'm gonna get But I'm better than I used to be." "I've pinned a lot of demons to the ground I've got a few old habits left"

It seems like the past year or so, I have been fighting my own demons, had dances with the devil, and at times it feels like a never ending battle. Its more than just a constant barrage of bad things happening, the constant rain, its more the battle of one's belief, one's faith, and ones doubts…It has been a lesson of learning to simply let go and let God, which has been the hardest part of all.

I have realized going straight to God is the 1^st place I need to go. Yet it's a lesson I relearn constantly. Oh I know God could do it, but let me just try!! I wish I could become instantly frugal with money or at least win a million and not worry about it! I wish I had the drive eat & exercise to be a healthy person. I wish I had my act together, but I don't…

So step by step (forwards & back), I am cleaning up my act. I am not as good as I'm gonna get, but I am better than I used to be.

 
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Out of Sync

My life seems to be a little out of sync and a bit off track. Seems as if things are just…..a bit skewed! On my way home this afternoon I scanned through the radio station. Not really sure what I wanted to listen too. Nothing was appealing…rock, country, Christian rock, classical…nothing! Looking back I probably just needed some good old "80's Hair Band Music" or maybe some "Kingston Trio" to take me back to a time when I didn't have to worry about money, work, kids, adult kids….!

I ended up listening to a preacher, which mind you is a bit odd in the middle of a Monday afternoon. As it scanned through it stopped on a man preaching. So what caught my attention, he was talking about being at a doctor for being sick. After being checked out, the doctor prescribed him an antibiotic telling him to take it, and take it all, no questions asked. The doctor was telling him what to do, and what was best for him. It didn't matter if it inconvenienced him, it was what was best for him. The preacher didn't object but did what he was told. His story then moved on to explain how God is our doctor, and he is doing what is best for us…it may inconvenience us at time, but in the end it is what is best. Something so simplistic, yet just so difficult!

I am not good with change nor am I any good with things being off kilter. I like consistency…normalcy…Right now I long for kids to be small and back at school, and an established work week. Yet between one adult child talking marriage, another adult child off to college, a teen daughter who is less than 2 years before she graduates, the baby out of elementary school, and not to mention the never ending saga of never enough money to ever get ahead…it would seem my life is anything but normal. Not a wonder why life feels a bit off kilter!!

So I go one day at a time, praying just a bit more. Slowly letting go and just letting God. Letting go of my pride, letting go of my need to be in control, letting go of old mindsets, letting go of old assumptions and simply letting God. Shutting out that negative little voice and listening for God's voice and reading God's words.

 
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Wind knocked out of ya

Ever had the wind knocked out of you? Today has been that kind of day, or rather morning. I could look to place blame or I could even question God – why did you let this happen? – But deep down I know the truth. We let ourselves get side tracked, we listen to that little voice telling us we need this or we need that – hey it doesn't cost that much. We allow ourselves to blame others. Why should we take responsibility?

I have also learned the dark one is quite good at laying on the negativity when we are down. He is quick to bring up the wrongs we have done, and swift to remind us we really are unworthy. So good at bringing up things that have nothing to do with the trial at hand! Each thought I have had to push out of my mind, letting words to Christian rock songs take over my thoughts and listen to God.

By the time evening fell I really wondered what can I change? What can I do differently? (Well me handing over all money I make is probably the only option I need to have!!) Aside from that, God reminded me of one of my prayers – "Take away my old emotional mindsets, automatic reactions, rude assumptions & self-protection stance." Though I am getting better (still have far to go), God reminded me that I am still clinging to my old emotional mindsets and my rude assumptions.

I can say without a doubt, today I turned directly to God, seeking forgiveness and seeking mercy. Which just goes to show me deep inside, even though I push her aside, faith is a strong force to be reckoned with! In times of trial, my faith seeks God like a boat seeks a lighthouse in a storm.

I am still battling my belief, my faith and my doubts, but today God won. It was God that reminded me that my past is forgiven, that I truly am a worthy daughter of God and that the past, is in the past. I know I am getting closer to God, and today I completely trusted him. I know God's got this. I know that though the path is difficult, trials are rough, God's got this and though I don't want to continue to fight and battle, I know without a doubt the other side, that light at the end of the tunnel is coming…

Sure would like it to be sooner verse later J


 
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Its been awhile

It seems I have slacked again on my blog….Honestly I just didn't know what to write or how to put into words what my thoughts have been.

The past few weeks I once again have struggled with my faith, my belief. I have had that nagging little voice in the back of my head telling me "See God couldn't possibly hear all of us." Or "A logical, analytical mind cannot be a Christian as well." Or "Parts of the Bible just seem to be quite exaggerated that it cannot be real."

Oh these sentences can go on and on. For weeks as I have been the doubting Thomas, and the one of little faith, but I have also dug deeper into Gods words. I cannot say that God's words were like magic and fixed my doubts, my fears, my beliefs…I wish it was that easy, but it wasn't. It was a struggle, a fight within, and somewhere deep inside, my faith stood her ground (even when I thought my faith was low). My faith, with God's words, is what has been helping me to get out of this funk I have been in.

I know our faith and belief is tested. I also know that our sins are brought to light to clean house. God is making us better, making us rely less on what we think we need, what we think others can give us, and to solely rely on him. As I learn to trust God more, believe more, one by one I am handing over control. Pretty damn scary if I must say, but also relieving… For the first time, I handed God my doubts, my fears every single day. Yup every day God would get my worries, my struggles with my belief, my doubts, my fears, and I would let him have them, and I continue to hand them over…every single day…

 
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